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- "To describe me would be like describing air. Except it's not because my picture's on the cover, so I'll just skip the semantics..."
- —From his autobiography, I Am Not Spock...But I Wish I Was
Salim Fünkülündü Pow III is a German-American retired business tycoon, worldy recognized for his creation of the largely popular cereal brand Sugar POW. Born in 1939 on a shallot farm in Mississippi, Pow moved to the small town of Danville in 1957 and began working at a factory that manufactured mini-replicas of River Kwai Bridge. While working at said factory he began experimenting with creating a new type of toothpaste and accidentally created a flakey cereal he dubbed Sugar POW.
Early life and education
Salim Fünkülündü Pow III was born in 1939 in a medium sized shallot farm in Western Mississippi to German immigrant Hohberht Alois Amott Pow V and his American-born wife Sally. He was very skilled at archery and barebacked competitive horseback riding. He attended West Mississippi Academy for Western Mississippians, which provided him with with eight years of education until he graduated at age 16. Immediately after graduation however, he got locked in the school's basement after trying to kill a fly and hitting his head on a metallic bookshelf inside the basement. He survived only on watered down Superela insect spray, a bottle of warm Coca Cola, and a box of stale Kix. He remained down there for a month before he realized that the doors were not locked. The experience did however inspire him to create a cereal that was not as horrible as Kix, and this idea stayed in the back of his mind for many years.
Pow underwent puberty at a very young age, developing a full grown, very thick mustache at the age of three. He kept it extremely well groomed using a makeshift comb constructed of a bundle of toothpicks held together with Argo starch. When he was six years of age, a local limbless Latvian barber spotted his invention in use and suggested that he create more of them and sell them at his barbershop No Hands Haircuts. He turned quite a profit until he was forced to shave his mustache at age eight after a freak shower accident involving a Brillo Pad and his pet, a bergamasco named Winston. Though his mustache fully grew back the following day, the trauma left him unable to sell the combs any further.
When he was eleven, his grandfather—Salim Fünkülündü Pow II—hired him part time to work at his meat stand, Salim's Salamis. The stand was located outside of the Other World's Fair, Mississippi's derivative of New York's world fair. It was funded by a local Mormon church. The meat stand was closed after the world fair was shut down following the revelation that the Mormon church was actually an early incarnation of the criminal scientist organization L.O.V.E.M.U.F.F.I.N..
After graduating from West Mississippi Academy and escaping its basement in 1945, he left home and decided to backpack around Europe. For the first year of his journey, Salim resided in Poland, befriending recent Holocaust survivors and instructing them on making therapeutic macaroni sculptures of Franklin Roosevelt's wheelchair. These items were sold as novelty artworks during Poland's annual Triple-N-Market (Novelty Noodle Niche) at the fairgrounds, which Salim helped rebuild that same year, using only chipped wood planks and branding irons.
Other career ventures
Unretirement and hip hop career
In January of 2012, Pow announced that he was coming out of retirement in order to pursue a career in hip hop, going under the pseudonym MC Poww Poww. His debut album, Suggah Daddy, is set to be released on February 29, coinciding with the 55th anniversary of the first sold Sugar POW box. The first single from the album, "Tha River Kwai Dayz" (featuring Alphonse Nickerson), was dropped on January 7, 2012, to immediate universal acclaim. Rolling Stone magazine described Pow's performance on the track as "equal in skill to the flow and lyricism of Tupac and Dr. Dre...the work of a true lyrical genius", and Pitchfork praised the track as "an unironic, unapologetic Shakespearean-esque epic masterpiece, with pure, raw lyrical poetry set to among the greatest beats of the century, an ingenious sax riff composed by Danvillian saxophonist Alphonse Nickerson interwoven with a sample of the Shimmy Jimmy jingle."